


Though I've Closed My Eyes

by hnathe (vesuviusPrivateer)



Series: Friends at the Table Femslash Week 2019 [2]
Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, FatT Femslash Week, FatT Femslash Week 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-19 05:37:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19350580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vesuviusPrivateer/pseuds/hnathe
Summary: Jill can see how the person she used to be fell in love with Jacqui Green. Couldn't hurt to see if she can do it over again, right?





	Though I've Closed My Eyes

In another life, Jacqui Green was the love of hers.

  
Apparently.

  
Jill can see that. Jacqui Green is the kind of woman she'd be hard pressed not to fall in love with. Gorgeous, confident, tough as nails with a sense of humor that had knocked Jill through a loop when she'd opened her mouth in a big, toothy grin to make a crack about a cadet's aim. And the way that smile had softened at the edges when she heard Jill laugh, the way her eyes sparkled at the accomplishment, the armor-piercing sweetness of her own laughter--

  
Yeah, Jill can see how the person she used to be fell in love with Jacqui Green. Couldn't hurt to see if she can do it over again, right?

  
Right.

  
And falling for Jacqui Green is so easy, is the thing. Jill can't decide if it's just Jacqui herself, or some memory hard-wired into her genetic code that makes her heart leap when Jacqui smiles, melts her when Jacqui kisses her, warms her from head to toe when Jacqui says her name. It sounds so different when Jacqui says it.

  
"Jill"

  
"Jillian"

  
"Red"

  
Her name feels safe and strong carried by the voice of someone who loves her.

  
Someone who _loves_ her.

  
Someone who loves _her._

  
Jill listens to the stories, files away the details. She wants to _know_ , even if she can't _remember_. She knows that's not quite enough, she knows she's coming at this as a new love, while Jacqui is grasping at a second chance--but they can meet in the middle, right? Somewhere between fresh infatuation and solid, steady devotion, they can reach out and touch each other.

  
(Jacqui Green loved Jillian Red.)

  
(Jacqui Green _loves_ Jillian Red.)

  
(She is Jillian Red.)

  
Jacqui's touch is unbearably gentle, and Jill doesn't know if that's the way she's always been, or if she's afraid of Jill breaking apart. Leaving her again. (God, she would kill to know.) Jill doesn't know much about the Jill she was with Jacqui, but she can hardly imagine leaving someone like her if she'd had a choice in the matter. Every day it becomes harder to envision being the type of person who could let Jacqui Green go.

  
She doesn't know how Joie did it.

  
And yet.

  
There's something.

  
Something in the flicker on Jacqui's face when Jill calls her name, and Jill doesn't know if it's that _she's_ not saying it _right_ , or if she's saying it _like_ somebody _else_. Something in Jacqui's eyes when Jill takes her into her arms, touches her cheek, takes her hand--that tells Jill that Jacqui is looking at _someone_ else, but Jill can't be sure if that someone else shares her face. Something that makes Jill wonder if that gentle touch is actually just hesitation.

  
Hesitation on whose behalf?

  
(Hers, surely. And she's grateful that Jacqui isn't trying to move too fast, is considering her position--isn't rushing back to where they left off.)

  
(If it were about anyone else, well, Jacqui would've hesitated when it mattered. She wouldn't be here in the first place.)

  
(It's fine. They'll take their time, and it'll be fine.)

  
It was never going to be easy, Jill knew that going in. She's willing to work for it if Jacqui is. She can take the bumps along the way. In another life, Jacqui was the love of hers.

  
When they kiss, she closes her eyes, because that's what you do.

  
(And if she doesn't see who Jacqui is pretending to kiss, well, that's a bonus.)

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Mitski's "Washing Machine Heart".
> 
> They're gonna take away my xXHieronFucker69420Xx handle if I keep this up but as it turns out I am also xXJacquiGreenLuvr42069Xx and writing from the POV of women in love with her is just So Easy.


End file.
